A journey back to the heart offers forgiveness and peace, as you release grievances of the soul. You come to a familiar place of rest and comfort where a cozy hug wraps her arms around you in a warm embrace. You become encased in pure love; you feel taken care of from above, all around, and within... A journey back to the heart is the greatest walk home. Take my hand & come with me, dear.
I wrote this poem one morning reinforcing recent changes I had made in my life to benefit my healing. I woke one morning, needing to focus my energy in a way that felt motivated toward my changes and goals. I chose to make these changes in honor of my heart. I made this decision out of self love.
My journey has been full of interesting contradictions. For example, I have made many of these types of changes in honor of self-love and self-respect, only to go against them. Habitual behaviors and addictions can have the best of me, when I do something to completely go against a choice I make in honor of transformation.
What life is teaching me now is to keep redirecting back to what my heart is asking of me.
I'm learning that I might not meet my expectations at times....that my habitual reactions, behaviors, and thoughts take practice to transform into something new. I'm learning to never give up. I'm learning to love myself through it all. I'm so proud of the changes I have made for myself. I'm proud of who I am and who I am becoming.
Thank you God for your Grace.
God's Grace has given me the capacity for more self-forgiveness, more self-compassion, and more resilience. I have less and less self-judgment as I move forward on this path of healing, especially over the course of the past year. I used to be consumed with negative self talk and immense self-hatred.... sometimes for simply being... sometimes for making mistakes.... sometimes for saying "the wrong thing".... sometimes for quite honestly, nothing.
The morning after I had written the poem I started this entry with, I awoke with a heart full of peace. I started my morning with some quite space, as I usually aim for. This time was uniquely different than recent mornings. I closed my eyes, before coffee, before starting to write, before anything. I gave thanks for my life and felt God's Presence when I closed my eyes. I chose to make intentional space to visit some inner parts. Prior to the type of therapy I am in currently, I had been in a type of thereapy called Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS Therapy). This type of therapy teaches you how to re-parent traumatized parts of yourself. It teaches how to gain relationship with these parts, to heal them, to empathize with them, and to overcome a sense of abandonment and fear. These parts live in the past trauma. When triggered, they scream for your attention in the form of anxiety or fear. IFS teaches you to comfort these parts, listen to these parts, give them new roles that have more productive benefits to your life, and free them from controlling you in a negative way.
I have been so focused on the new type of therapy I am in that I don't visit the parts as frequently as is beneficial and healing. So I chose to direct my attention to these parts. Immediately, I saw a hand reaching out to me. I reached back and I felt love from this part. We morphed into a cradle that felt so comforting. We held each other for several minutes. It was quite beautiful to embrace each other like this. I asked how the part was and she quickly started to say things like, "Everything is too much. I keep messing up. I can't do this." I simply gave her space to express her emotions. I witnessed with care. I didn't attempt to change the feelings or her expression. At this point she didn't want to be touched. She rolled on the ground, emotions bubbling up more and more. She began to express how she didn't want to be here anymore and how she hated herself. I eventually told her that was she was feeling made sense given all of the things that led to those feelings. I told her she wasn't alone, that I loved her and that I was here for her.
Slowly her expression of these feelings faded out, and I updated her on where I was in life and why I hadn't been present for her. I told her that I am still always here, and that I loved her so much. I told her that I would try to visit more. A visualization of a monarch butterfly came into my mind. I said to her that anytime I saw a monarch butterfly or that one came into my mind, I would check in with her internally. I would ask how she was, say hello, visit for a moment; it would be our little signal.
Butterfly reminders remind me of your heart - to say I love you, ask how you are, and reflect the light of the twinkling stars to you.
After this internal visit with a part of myself, of course I felt so much lightness and love. It was so nuturing and gentle. It was quite beautiful. I looked over my journal to write an entry about it, and I saw the prior day the last line of my poem read: "A journey back to the heart is the greatest walk home. Take my hand and come walk with me, dear." I thought it was so synchronistic that this hand showed up in my awareness as a sign of self-love and self-care. Since, then I have closed my eyes a few times to see this hand reaching for me. It's my cue to hug myself within. It's a cue to mother myself.
We all have this capacity for healing and self-love. There are parts of ourselves longing for our embrace. It truly takes a few moments to slow down and hug ourselves....literally or energetically.
Your heart longs for you. Listen deeply within. You have an inner child waiting for your love. If you have suffered from trauma, which most of us have..... did you know that within you longs for nurturing? You can mother yourself. Whether you are a man or a woman, whether you think you're capabale of it or not... you can do this for yourself anytime. We all have that feminine energy within - that energy of compassion and gentleness.
Give yourself the gift of nurturance.
Your life will transform before your eyes.
Tell yourself, "I love you" daily.
Forgive yourself daily.
We hold onto so many grievances toward ourselves. I have felt encaged by my own suppressed self judgment internalized within. The time I spent with the part that morning allowed for my to express those feelings. I gave them space to be expressed. I never said, "Don't feel that way, or you shouldn't feel that way." Validation is allowing feelings to be. Our feelings are valid. ALL OF THEM. We are allowed to feel regret. We are even allowed to feel self-hatred. We just need to have empathy for these feelings. We need to love these feelings. We need to honor them. ALL OF THEM. That's compassion.
God never tries to change how we are feeling. Only when we resist them does it truly become painful. God holds space for us to be human. We are here to experience it ALL. Everything.
Take your own hand. Go back into the heart of your soul. Find a home there. Settle down and rest. You can rest. You can be. You can be who you are. Nothing needs to change. Everything is okay. You are enough. You are safe.
I love you. Give yourself permission to love yourself. Namaste, my friends. Be well today. Don't forget... you are a MIRACLE! You are MAGIC! You are the magnificent creation of the universe. Have a wonderful day and rest your heart. Let go of all you're worrying about. It will all be okay. You are truly taken care of..... trust this deeply.